I can’t stop thinking about him.
About our first kiss; how soft, almost unnoticeable it was.
How it was so quick, so fleeting that I had to take a moment to process if it had really happened.
And then there were the kisses afterwards, more purposeful and full of intent, but delicate nonetheless.
I keep thinking about his lips pressed to my neck, how wonderful a feeling.
How sweet he was, how considerate it all was.
I can’t stop imagining myself underneath him, those same lips on my own once again, but needier than before, as if waiting had taken a toll on us.
It’s been a year since I first imagined those lips grazing upon mine.
But it’s been worth the wait.
Yet, I’m not patient enough to wait even more.
I’m tired of waiting.
I’m crying as I write this.
You made me cry today.
It’s my birthday, I just wanted a, “How are you?”
To see you for five seconds, it would have made my day.
But you’re busy, and I understand that, and yet all I’m asking for is five seconds of your time.
I have a headache.
My heart hurts.
This is how much I like you.
This is what I didn’t want to go through again.
After I wrote the last one you did send me a message asking how my birthday went, so thank you for that.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of feelings regarding you lately and I think I was just overwhelmed with the things that happened recently.
It’s hard when someone you’ve liked for so long kisses you all of a sudden, and then doesn’t try to make it happen again any time soon.
That’s all I’ve been thinking about; seeing you soon.
I want to know things.
I want you to tell me what you think of me.
Why do you like me?
Do you see things going anywhere with me?
Do you want things to happen with me?
Do you like me as much as I like you?
Tell me what you want.
That’s all I really need to know, to decide if this is something worth my time and effort, because lately it feels like I’ve been putting in more effort than you, in everything.
This should go without saying, but I understand that you have your own life, and your own things to do, but I’d just like a bit more communication on your part, it would make me feel more secure.
And if you’re not ready to deal with someone like me, it’s okay, I’ll understand.
But I need to know.
I’ve been strung along before, and I would hope that it doesn’t happen again.
It’s been a week.
We kissed again last night.
I asked him,
“Are you going to lead me on again?”
And he said,
“No, not this time.”
I’m hoping he’s serious about that, because if it just becomes another cycle of, “Does he like me, does he not?”
Well, then I’ll finally be over it.
But not right now.
Right now I’m still riding the high of his hands tangled into my hair.
His lips, pressed tightly against mine.
His legs in between my own.
His chuckle as he said,
“You don’t have to be nervous around me.”
I like him, love him, whatever word you want to use.
I’m just hoping that writing this at 5:57am, when I am unable to sleep, will help me cope with the unknown.
He did say he planned on kissing me again.
I’ll be looking forward to it, so don’t hesitate around me.
I know I shouldn’t, but I feel sorry for myself.
Sorry for being happy around you.
Sorry for expecting more than I should.
Sorry for hoping things might be better.
Sorry for thinking that I might have a good day.
So let me apologize to myself, for all of these things.
But most of all,
Sorry to myself,
For trusting someone so deeply,
For loving them so much,
For wanting only the best for them,
Sorry to my heart,
Who has to go through all of this.
Stop leading me on.
Just tell me what you want.
Tell me what you feel.
I’m tired of beating around the bush.
I’m tired of playing games.
I’m sick and tired of it all.
I want to cry again because of you,
Do you not understand what this means?
I fell for you a year ago,
I ignored it for so long,
And when I finally acknowledged my own feelings,
You made me question them again.
Why do I love you?
I ask myself this everyday.
Even my friends wonder why.
At this point I don’t even know anymore.
No matter how frustrated I get with you,
I don’t think you’ll be able to notice it.
I’m too nice.
In the middle of typing this I paused to send you a, “Happy Birthday,” message.
I care too much.
But I don’t love easily.
So why is it that I fell for you so quickly?
It’s officially morning now.
I feel better than I did last night.
I’m gonna try to talk to you today,
And get my feelings sorted out.
Depending on how today goes,
I’ll decide what to do with my feelings for you.
Should I keep them and hope for the best,
Or should I try to forget about you?
You haven’t opened my message yet, which makes sense.
It’s only 6 in the morning,
But I can’t help but wake up from this anxiety that you’ve been causing.
I’m a sensitive person,
I’m someone who needs attention,
I’m not here to have my feelings played with anymore.
I had to be the bigger person and get you to apologize to me.
So thank you for the apology,
But I won’t accept another one.
This was your second strike.
I told you to take the time you need,
Not that I’d be there until you are ready.
Come to me if you need me,
I’ll still be here for you.
Don’t expect me to stay in love with you just because that’s how I feel now.
I’m stronger than you think I am.
Started September 23rd, 2019
Finished October 7th, 2019